The Serial Dater

by: Adam Guerino

Author’s Note: “Serial Dater” is a new series that came in response from a magazine asking Adam Guerino to write a dating column. He realized the irony that anyone would ask him for dating advice and decided to write a dating column based upon the theory that no one should ever ask his advice about dating. For more about “Serial Dater” and Adam Guerino, visit his website.

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Hi my name is Adam Guerino . I’m 26 and I’m a serial dater. It has been thirty days since my last impersonation of a long term relationship.

I’m single. I’m  incredibly single. Not even suitors in waiting. I’m singler than I’ve been for months yet it’s been over a year since I’ve had a serious relationship. This isn’t a personals ad, a casting call nor a cry for help; it’s a sobering reality. Every time I’d have a new guy on my arm,  my friends would respond “Who is this? I can’t keep up!” I’d be so offended, proclaiming my love for said stranger then trailing off when it came to remembering his name. I even dated a guy for a month without knowing he was a vegetarian. We had dinner together at least ten times. I realize now, I didn’t know this person; I wasn’t dating them–I was dating dating.

I’ve tried word association to understand the addiction. I replace the words “relationship” and “date” with the words “crack cocaine.” For example, this isn’t like the last crack cocaine, this crack cocaine is different and it’s only one crack cocaine, I can quit anytime.

So I’m single. Intentionally. Turning down even innocent coffee dates with the understanding that it will be like creeping over the hill of a roller coaster. It doesn’t matter if the car stays on the tracks, it will be a plunge, a thrill ride and I’m an adrenaline addict. If I thought I was meeting a friend and find they think it’s a date, I will scream and run. And controversially, I will not sleep with the same person twice. Having a “friends with benefits” is just a trick; watered down crack cocaine is still crack cocaine, isn’t it? As far as sleeping with people, well, I’m an addict but I’m still human.

I’ve set the parameters for my social commentary; my science experiment about singledom and now I need to crawl in the test tube and try not to claw the eyes out of my own reflection. I’ll spare you the moral and instead offer a threat, a battle cry: I see you loneliness. And I’m coming for you. You’re not going to scare me away with chilly winter nights perfect for cuddling. When I fall in love, it will be for… more than a few months, damn it!

Hi, my name is Adam Guerino. I’m 26, and I’m a serial dater. It has been thirty days since my last impersonation of a long term relationship.

Adam Guerino is a writer in Chicago who works nationally as a stand-up comedian event producer. Guerino is the creator of OutLoud Chicago a production effort bringing queer entertainment to the mainstream with rotating venues including Queer Comedy at Zanies and Barefoot Ballad at The Hideout. His benefit series We Are Halsted seeks to get the queer community to support the queer community by raising funds and awareness for queer homeless youth. For more information and a calendar of upcoming events, www.adamguerino.com.

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