by: Lady A

Note: By day, Lady A is Artemis Loud, and if you type her name into our search engines, you can find out a little more about her. She’s pretty cool.

DEAR LADY A:  My girlfriend has a pussy that keeps cockblocking me.  This is not a euphemism, but an actual eight pound furry creature who demands all of our attention and meows if we get into bed together.  When I kiss my girl, the cat wedges between us, and when I try to fuck her, he jumps onto a pillow, watches and waits for it to be over.  I’m tired of the look of judgement in his creepy yellow eyes.  And more importantly, I’m tired of my girlfriend choosing his needs over mine and telling me, “Not tonight.”  It’s not exactly that he hates me.  It’s more like, he always wants to be with us.  She won’t lock him out of the room, because he just scratches and cries and makes her feel guilty.  What should I do?  I need attention, too.

– Attracting The Wrong Pussy

DEAR PUSSY, INTERRUPTED: Never let your girlfriend know you’re not interested in the needs of her pussy (the cat, that is).  It’s important to keep up a good relationship with Snuggles or Mr. Fuzzy (again, I’m referring to the actual cat) if you want to stay in good stead with the little lady.  I’m guessing she had him, before she even met you, so if you so choose to hit her with an ultimatum, you will undoubtedly lose her.  On the other hand, embracing her kitty will show her how much you care.  The great thing about a woman with a cat is, you can romance her with five dollars worth of cat treats and it is just as meaningful to her as a fifty dollar dinner date.  Be friends with the cat, play with the cat, buy the cat little gifts, and never, ever complain about his very big presence in the relationship.

That said, there are certain boundaries in any affair that must never be crossed, and yellow, judging eyes watching you fuck is probably that line.  The feline must be kept out of the bedroom during grown up time, but you can do it in a way that earns you brownie points.  The next time you want to purse some pussy, play with the cat first.  Bring a new treat and a new catnip toy and present it in a ‘common area’ room of her place.  Shower him with attention and stimulation until you wear him out, wait for him to curl up for a cat nap, then quietly leave for the bedroom.  He’ll be all tuckered out and probably too tired to care, and she’ll be glowing with affection for her amazing, sweet and attentive human partner.  If you’ve been historically resentful of the cat, but suddenly become kind, you may very well earn some of the best sex of your life.  Pull out a different type of pussy pleasing toy, then pet her, stroke her, give her a tongue bath if she’s being really dirty, shower her with attention and stimulation, until you wear her out.  Repeat these steps nightly, until you’ve got them both in a new routine that satisfies both pussies, and I assure you, you’ll have no problem getting the pussy attention you crave.

DEAR LADY A:  If you had to choose one thing for the rest of your life, would you go with a  man or a woman?  And if the answer is woman, top or bottom?

– Curious About You

DEAR A-CURIOUS:  A smart lady leaves her options open, darling.  All of the above.  But sometimes on the bottom.

Lady A may not be a real headmistress, but she is a real lady and she plays “teacher” in the bedroom all the time. And as a certified bisexual and a slutty one at that, she’s seen enough clits and dicks to teach even you dirty boys and girls a thing or two. Ask a question and she’ll school you good. She may even spank you with a ruler. But only if you like that kind of thing.