by: Zachary Stafford
Yes – we have seen each other naked, No – I don’t see it ever working out, and maybe if I have another drink we can get naked, “cuddle,” and not talk about it tomorrow at brunch. Gay men, from my own personal experience, have the most incestuous relationships with anything that walks, has a penis, can hump and is called friend. We seem to confuse our Circle of Friends with our “If I was the last person on this Earth…” sex list, but the difference being the Earth ends every Saturday night at around 2am after last call.
Through this conundrum of gay male sexuality, we seem to constantly be exploring our sexuality and desire with our friends, or even worse/better when breaking up with our partners we seem to want to make that person our new ‘bestie’ instead of public enemy #1 like the straights do. The Ex is probably your best friend if you’re gay, or at least still on your speed dial list in an uncomfortably close position to your mother’s number.
This Grace, of course, is your Grace Adler. (If I am writing about gay men I have to reference the Gay Bible, “Will and Grace.”) This is your best girl friend, harsh emphasis on the space between girl and friend, and she has probably even promised you her uterus if you both grow old and partner-less. You may of known each other for years or maybe only two months, but this is the woman that you say you would marry if your penis had a reaction to lady parts. Grace is the female friend that while walking together in public will act as your imaginary girlfriend, flirting with the idea of having a straight life and having this fantasy crash when noticing the cute bag boy at Trader Joe’s.
Hopefully, your real life Grace Adler is on a diet more substantial than the martini and asparagus diet; extremely skinny friends can make you feel fat.
The Friend You Have Never Seen Sober
Our bar friends can be some of our most unrecognized friendships in our lives. We seem to forget about them when trying to find someone to go to the grocery store with or the theatre, but we can’t call them faster when we need a night of dancing after a long week. This friend isn’t the friend that knows about your ambitions, what you studied in college or even the name of your first pet, and instead revels in memories that are still yet unformed and drinks that are planned to be consumed.
The Friend You Have Never Seen Sober is drunk constantly, or at least on the track of becoming drunk at any moment, and you have even become used to the smell of Svedka which permeates off his skin and confuses you with a bad bottle of cologne.
This friend, just like the person you have a crush on currently, isn’t someone you can bring home to Momma – unless Momma is Karen Walker.
The Sex God
This friend seems to be with a new bud every other day, and when he says things like “Yeah man, I went for a jog real late last night.” you know that translate into, “I couldn’t sleep and my Grindr was on FIRE! So I had to do something…” This person isn’t someone you may envy per se, but you instead have episodic spouts of jealousy when you realize you’re lonely on a Saturday night, and they are anything but physically lonely. The Sex God is not exactly great in bed. He just seems to be having lots and lots and lots of sexy time with different people in the most detached kinds of way — which is fine.
I love you, but you seem to love your sex life more than this relationship so let’s talk before you head to the gym to “work out.”
The Straight Love of Your Life (aka. Husband)
Oh god. Why do you even exist? The amount of heartache, long restless nights, and self-medication that you cause should be seen as illegal. The love felt for you can many of the times be overwhelming, and when in each other’s presence I seem to float about, analyzing ever soft touch, nice compliment and deep laughter. This husband’s sexuality is ambiguous and you even tease him about this fact, hoping one day he will come out and say, “So…I think I may love you.”
The Straight Love of Your Life will never be mine or your actual husband; and the time you spend considering ways to stop communication will go wasted, because somehow or some way will continue to find yourself in his home, making him dinner and discussing his girl problems as you sip cheap wine and listen to bad music. This friend is toxic to your self-esteem and ability to find a healthy relationship, leading to resentment, thus why you’re in love.
We gays can be so sadomasochistic sometimes…le sigh.
Zach Stafford is a Tennessee writer currently living in Chicago. His work has appeared at places such as: USAToday, Thought Catalog, The New Gay, and Bookforum. Outside of writing and watching Ally McBeal on Netflix, Zach is in the process of applying to PhD programs in the field of Cultural Geography & Urbanization. Also, Zach is the Production Assistant and a Contributor to the 50Faggots.com web series, which explores the lives of effeminate gay men in America. Follow him on Twitter @zachstafford.