by: Lady A
Note: By day, Lady A is Artemis Loud, and if you type her name into our search engines, you can find out a little more about her. She’s pretty cool.
DEAR LADY A: My girlfriend is complaining about both of our weights, lately. It’s true that we’ve put on a few pounds since we got together, but shouldn’t we be allowed to “let ourselves go” a little when we finally enter a long term relationship? The weird thing is, she’s also suddenly telling me I’m lazy in bed, but I don’t feel like I’m acting any different in that department. It’s like she’s holding my fat against me in terms of sexual prowess. What should I do?
– Slightly Fat But Comfortable With That
DEAR FAT AND SASSY: Your “letting ourselves go in a long term relationship” argument is a slippery slope, my complacent friend, so let’s not entertain it. I really am glad that you’re comfortable with yourself, your girl, and both of your extra pounds, but your woman obviously isn’t, and that alone ought to be enough reason to at least consider losing the newly added weight. But I’m not here to tell you to go to the gym or cut out carbs. I’m here to fix your sex life and I believe you’re correct about one thing: Your girlfriend is holding your fat against you when she’s considering your sexual prowess as of late. Since you spend so much of your time holding your fat against her, literally, perhaps that’s only fair.
So, as opposed to a tired, just got off of work, let’s do it fast then watch tv kind of experience, let’s start looking at sex as an active, calorie-burning, all night long, extreme sport again. Here is my workout plan to get you and your girlfriend back in shape and get you off your lazy sexual ass. Until it becomes second nature again, commit to at least an hour a night of vigorous aerobic exercise in the form of wrestling, rubbing, hot, dirty sex. Don’t think of it as “making love.” Think of it as fucking your brains out. Remember, if you’re not sweating and breathing heavy, or if you’re only using tongue and fingers, or letting her move on top of you, while you just lay back and enjoy the ride, you’re doing it wrong. Show her you’re serious about pleasing her, that you’ve listened to her complaints and you intend to do something about them.
In regards to your extra pounds problem, the next time either one of you wakes up in the middle of the night with a midnight snack in mind, feast on each other; if you get home from work and you feel like eating out, eat her out. Use her yummy body as a reward for avoiding that yummy pizza all day, and the next time you’re thinking of letting her do all the work, or reaching for your fingertip vibrator, remember that you burn a lot more calories humping with a strap-on. How do you think Lady A stays so fit and trim? It sure as hell isn’t from doing lots of yoga. Well, maybe downward dog.
Lady A may not be a real headmistress, but she is a real lady and she plays “teacher” in the bedroom all the time. And as a certified bisexual and a slutty one at that, she’s seen enough clits and dicks to teach even you dirty boys and girls a thing or two. Ask a question and she’ll school you good. She may even spank you with a ruler. But only if you like that kind of thing.