by: Lady A
Note: By day, Lady A is Artemis Loud, and if you type her name into our search engines, you can find out a little more about her. She’s pretty cool.
DEAR LADY A: My girlfriend is complaining about both of our weights, lately. It’s true that we’ve put on a few pounds since we got together, but shouldn’t we be allowed to “let ourselves go” a little when we finally enter a long term relationship? The weird thing is, she’s also suddenly telling me I’m lazy in bed, but I don’t feel like I’m acting any different in that department. It’s like she’s holding my fat against me in terms of sexual prowess. What should I do?
– Slightly Fat But Comfortable With That
DEAR FAT AND SASSY: Your “letting ourselves go in a long term relationship” argument is a slippery slope, my complacent friend, so let’s not entertain it. I really am glad that you’re comfortable with yourself, your girl, and both of your extra pounds, but your woman obviously isn’t, and that alone ought to be enough reason to at least consider losing the newly added weight. But I’m not here to tell you to go to the gym or cut out carbs. I’m here to fix your sex life and I believe you’re correct about one thing: Your girlfriend is holding your fat against you when she’s considering your sexual prowess as of late. Since you spend so much of your time holding your fat against her, literally, perhaps that’s only fair.
So, as opposed to a tired, just got off of work, let’s do it fast then watch tv kind of experience, let’s start looking at sex as an active, calorie-burning, all night long, extreme sport again. Here is my workout plan to get you and your girlfriend back in shape and get you off your lazy sexual ass. Until it becomes second nature again, commit to at least an hour a night of vigorous aerobic exercise in the form of wrestling, rubbing, hot, dirty sex. Don’t think of it as “making love.” Think of it as fucking your brains out. Remember, if you’re not sweating and breathing heavy, or if you’re only using tongue and fingers, or letting her move on top of you, while you just lay back and enjoy the ride, you’re doing it wrong. Show her you’re serious about pleasing her, that you’ve listened to her complaints and you intend to do something about them.
In regards to your extra pounds problem, the next time either one of you wakes up in the middle of the night with a midnight snack in mind, feast on each other; if you get home from work and you feel like eating out, eat her out. Use her yummy body as a reward for avoiding that yummy pizza all day, and the next time you’re thinking of letting her do all the work, or reaching for your fingertip vibrator, remember that you burn a lot more calories humping with a strap-on. How do you think Lady A stays so fit and trim? It sure as hell isn’t from doing lots of yoga. Well, maybe downward dog.
Lady A may not be a real headmistress, but she is a real lady and she plays “teacher” in the bedroom all the time. And as a certified bisexual and a slutty one at that, she’s seen enough clits and dicks to teach even you dirty boys and girls a thing or two. Ask a question and she’ll school you good. She may even spank you with a ruler. But only if you like that kind of thing.
I respectfully disagree with Lady A here, because I find it damaging and unsatisfying to force yourself to “perform” in the bedroom. It’s a cute notion that you can burn calories having crazy sex and fix both problems, but let’s be real here. The best sex is when you just get lost and totally let go and express yourself physically with your partner. I’m against “acting” sexy and mentally scrolling through Cosmo sex tips to act out – because it’s just that, it’s acting. And disregard the notion that you need to be panting and sweating to satisfy each other. Nothing less sexy than the pressure to perform. It sounds like you guys need a little steamy lovemaking rather than some brainless jack-hammering anyway. As far as putting on weight together, maybe it has more to do with a lifestyle change and that’s what’s bothering her. In other words maybe you guys have become really sedentary together and it makes her feel antsy and unsexy. Are you guys in a slump of lazy movie nights eating take-out together? Or relying on eating out for dates? Because those things not only get dull but also don’t feel make people feel particularly sexy. Try being more active and playful in your time together, not to lose weight, but rather because it might help your girlfriend to not FEEL fat and bored and turned off. I just know that when my boyfriend and I go on a long bike ride together or play some crazy frisbee, I want to pounce on him as soon as I can. After dinner or while lounging around, not so much. If you think your long-term relationship has led to a lifestyle change that contributed to weight gain, I’d consider revamping that lifestyle together rather than pressuring yourself to act like a porn star. Even if you don’t lose weight, your girl might feel a little less restless and bored, and be less likely to carry that attitude into sex (ie perceiving you as lazy or boring). Or maybe it’s not the sex that’s boring her but the routine, which couples understandably get into. Try mixing up your timing – seduce her out of nowhere in the morning or while making dinner in the kitchen. Timing is a nice way to change things up without feeling like you need to learn all new moves.
If you don’t think it’s the sedentary slump or sexual routine thing, then an honest conversation is in order. Your girlfriend is criticizing your body and sexual performance, which is the real slippery slope here. She is “holding your fat against you” and since there’s a lot more to love and sex than looks, Lady A is wrong that “that’s only fair.” Get to the bottom of what’s really bothering her. Note her specific complaints about your weight – does it bother her that you guys used to be active or used to eat better/healthier and don’t anymore? or does it bother her that you look different? Those are different things to tackle. Make sure you’re not being bullied. Also, there’s always the possibility that she’s projecting her own insecurity about her weight gain onto you, in which case getting fit and feeling sexy is her problem, not yours. If you’re going to stay up all night fixing this, I think it should be with an enlightening conversation instead of a bunch of sex toys.