4 Things I Do Better Drunk

by: Zachary Stafford

Like many other twenty-somethings, my life sometimes seems to revolve around that entity that is alcohol.  This is not so much in an addictive/Lohan way, but more in that sense that in most major cities your social life involves either going on a date or going to a bar/party, which alcohol is involved in both. (Sometimes, this is a lot more on dates.)

So one night at a bar when I got bored of judging the trendy girls using the bar as their personal Marc Jacobs walkway and the douchey Ed Hardy boys maxing out their credit cards, I looked to my trusty iPhone and wrote out a list of the 4 things that I can do better when drinking, writing not being listed.


Remember when you were a pre-teen and all you and your friends talked about during sleepovers was the art of kissing? Those nights were filled with jokingly making out with a grapefruit to “practice” and even…maybe even…using each other as living test subjects. The anxiety you felt about kissing was many times overwhelming, especially during these young adult times when drinking had yet to infiltrate your life, and you were consumed by this anxiety.

Well, that anxiety doesn’t leave us as we get older, and personally I still freak out every time I think I am about to have to kiss someone and alcohol is not present. You over think it, and everyone knows you can’t over think a kiss — it’s all about the moment.

That’s where alcohol comes in. Alcohol suspends time and moments, after too many Jack and Gingers you forget what time even means, bodily touches are delayed,and you are in this time state that seems to have you floating about. This makes for awesome kissing, mainly because you don’t even know what you are doing and kissing while drunk becomes this sort of life and death sword battle between you and your partners’ tongues. En garde!

Give advice

While under the influence, I seem to forget people have those things…oh…what are they called? Ah, yes: feelings.

Feelings get in the way so much when sober and giving someone advice. You’re afraid to get “too real” due to an array of things, which most of the time hurts the advice you give. It’s like giving someone a Skinny Girl Margarita when they want a real Margarita.  Yes, it’s refreshing, and you feel a buzz, but couldn’t this be better?

When under the influence, you feel through that floating state that you have reached some higher level of consciousness and words flow out of you so fast that you can’t catch them, which is great. Being drunk and giving advice is totally safe –because you can always wake up the next morning and totally act as if you don’t remember as you smirk under your morning coffee. Lie, unless the advice was amazing, then go to brunch.

Know All of Beyonce’s Dances

I am not a dancer and will only dance if I have had a drink. However, I do dance alone in my room, in front of my mirror, when no one is looking. (Yes, you do it, too.)

Yet when under the influence I will dance for a drink, attention and maybe a dollar. Not only will I dance but I can also trick you into thinking I am good thanks to my vast amount of time spent in front of Beyonce’s YouTube page.

Top Performances and Ranking:

Easy: “Single Ladies”
Show-Stopper: “Who Run The World”
Tony-Worthy: “Best Thing I Never Had

Maybe it’s the dark lighting or the lack of space, but whatever it is, I like it. And, no, there will never be video footage of this. You can just ask a friend for more details.

Speak other languages

“Bonjour! Ça va?” (French)

“Otra cerveza por favor?” (Spanish)

“Who is the blonde over there? Hmmm…” (American Sign Language)

French, Spanish, Sign Language and the occasional German will leave my mouth in an instant after two drinks. I have very little training in all the above, especially in German, but somehow they spout out my mouth with precise accuracy and perfect grammar (besides the ASL) and without me realizing.

This all began after taking a semester of ASL while in college. One day, while talking to a bartender in an obnoxiously loud bar, he couldn’t hear me screaming “VODKA SODA WITH LIME!” as I squeezed between two fat forty-something queens. Through the frustration, my hand shot up above the bar, and in beautiful hand movements, I communicated to him my drink order. As there is a substantial deaf community within the LGBT community, the bartender happened to know ASL as well.

This skill has taken my intoxication levels of class to all new heights. By day, I am an English speaking twenty-something, and by night I am a world-traveled, multi-lingual, racially ambiguous twenty-something that can dance like Beyonce while singing in French.

They also call this being gay in America. Check, s’il vous plait!

Zach Stafford is a Tennessee writer currently living in Chicago. His work has appeared at places such as: USAToday, Thought Catalog, The New Gay, and Bookforum. Outside of writing and watching Ally McBeal on Netflix, Zach is in the process of applying to PhD programs in the field of Cultural Geography & Urbanization. Also, Zach is the Production Assistant and a Contributor to the50Faggots.com web series, which explores the lives of effeminate gay men in America. Follow him on Twitter @zachstafford.

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One response to “4 Things I Do Better Drunk

  1. Pingback: Top 5 Posts of the Week: Dec 5th-9th « In Our Words·

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