Mr. Darcy Syndrome: Why We Go for Jerks
by: Mariann Devlin
Before I go on an exploration of assholes, I need to clarify what it is I’m not saying.
Not all people are attracted to assholes. When a man complains, “Nice guys finish last,” I take it to mean that they think people owe them something for being chivalrous and hyper-romantic, or they’re uninteresting, or they haven’t realized the universality of heartbreak yet. Cry more, I say. Heartbreak is inevitable for saints and sinners alike. Even the most assertive of us get our hearts crushed.
In fact, I’m more likely to be turned off by arrogance and vanity, but it’s only because most men who are arrogant have no good reason to think they’re awesome. Even if they’re unusually attractive, they’re probably not unusually intelligent. My desire for those qualities, including a kind, sensitive heart, is probably why I’m still single.
If you think about it, all those who fall under the “Mr. Darcy” category are hot, charming and if not brilliant, at least clever and sharp-witted. This gives them no excuse to be assholes with raging intimacy issues, of course, but it provides an explanation for why they think the world revolves around them.
So why isn’t selfishness and vanity a deal-breaker? I’ll give you two reasons why people fall for jerks. It’s because they either have no standards or their standards are too damn high.
Shy or confident, some people have complex issues surrounding rejection. Meeting someone who is emotionally unavailable can pose a challenge, or it can reignite that vicious cycle — often stemming from childhood — of seeking validation, being denied it, thus seeking it with even greater force and expectation.
But enough of the psychoanalysis. You may just be an attractive smarty-pants yourself, and you don’t want to settle for anyone less than an equal. You want someone you can identify with.
None of these reasons are good enough. Attention, Katherine the Shrew: No matter how badly you want acceptance or an intellectual sparring partner, bending your will to an asshole isn’t worth it.
Pop culture has also led us to believe that some jerks will change, that they just have to meet the right person to help them overcome their intimacy issues. (Think about almost every romance novel ever written). Because of the hard work you did, finally getting that closeted titty-baby to open up and reveal his true, sensitive, emotionally desperate self, a lifetime of love with him will be all the sweeter. I’m particularly susceptible to this nonsense. My favorite protagonists are of the hot, anti-heroic sort, as you’ll see.
It’s important to be mindful of this expectation. It suggests that those of us who allow ourselves to be given the emotional run-around are, to some degree, vain, arrogant, and self-centered as well. We can’t accept that some guys aren’t going to submit to us.
Anyway, I’m going to turn into Mama Mariann right now and say this. Don’t think for a second he’ll change. He won’t. Only in fiction does a Mr. Darcy become capable of sincere love without condition. Wherever his intimacy problems came from, they’re part of the package, and you don’t want those damaged goods.
Now that I have that off my chest, I present to you my quick list, in no particular order, of my favorite anti-heroes. (Note: Edward Cullen is NOT on this list.) Men who need attitude adjustments, men who need saving. Tellingly, my best friend and I had a hard time coming up with this list. We couldn’t figure out why, since they’re some of our favorite fictional characters ever, until she said “It’s because we don’t consider them jerks, Mariann.”
That’s right. Brian Kinney, because of like, a handful of nice things he’s done throughout the entire five seasons of “Queer as Folk,” is no longer a jerk in our deluded minds. He can be sweet, we say. He’s just misunderstood.
Blah. Blah. Blah.
1. Lord Byron
2. Chuck Bass, “Gossip Girl”
3. Dr. House, “House”
4. Don Draper, “Mad Men”
5. Brian Kinney, “Queer as Folk”
6. Heathcliff, Wuthering Heights
7. Rochester, Jane Eyre
8. Malcolm “Mal” Reynolds, “Firefly”
9. Han Solo, Star Wars
10. Eric, “True Blood”
So, ladies, queers and gentle folks, what anti-heroes are on your list? What jerks do you hate to love or love to hate? And why do you think we go for jerks? Sound off in the comments.
Mariann Devlin is a recent journalism school graduate from Loyola University. She’s a reporter for Patch.com, and a volunteer contributor to Streetwise magazine, a publication dedicated to ending homelessness. Originally from Anchorage, Alaska, Mariann moved to Chicago four years ago and still complains incessantly about the cold winters. Follow her on her blog at mariannecdotes.wordpress.com.
As a male, the phrase “nice guys finish last” has usually stood out as a flaccid defense that may best be illustrated by motherly cooing. That is, and here’s where the image gets psychoanalytic, it typifies the framing of romantic anguish in such a way as for the mother to say, “don’t worry baby, she’s not good enough for you.” A more literal translation may be, “don’t worry baby, you’re a gentle spirit and you’re martyrdom is righteous.” Therefore the phrase, for me, has stood for a kind of castration, and what’s worse is that the subject of castration in this case is woefully unaware.
Here I may speak closer to your article in exploring the underlying reasons for the initial sense of the phrase being a facilitator of castration. The answer may be found in what seems to be a language of commodity exchange in the phrase itself. There is undoubtedly a presence of gain and loss within the phrase, specifically in “finish last” (Note here the psychoanalytic possibilities). My contention may be found here insofar as romance is (or rather, ought) to be spoken of, and participated in, without this exchange dialectic. To my mind, any stage or color of romance (and indeed, the entire web of romance we find ourselves in, on a global, human level) is punctuated first with fascination, humility, and desire, and never with exchange, power, or equality. (I’ll leave that last controversial descriptor as food for thought.)
In the language of a 21st century male, these men are, barring the aforementioned, the bamfiest:
Sterling Archer
James Bond (specifically the Daniel Craig variety,partially to antagonize the James Bond traditionalists)
Brock Samson
Mark Wahlberg
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