by: David Chastity
I read a really fantastic comment on Andrew Sullivan’s Daily Dish today: “Santorum’s polygamy argument just seems so easy to refute with heterosexuality. If a man is allowed to marry one woman, isn’t it just a slippery slope to his being allowed to marry three?”
Exactly, anonymous Dish reader. And as long as we’re sliding down that slippery slope, I think that I should be able to pick up AT LEAST 10 celebrity spouses. Sure, Muhammad may have said the rule was “four wives or fewer unless you’re a prophet,” and that’s generally been my rule of thumb, but Santorum says that once you let the people start getting married, they’ll never stop. It’s a crazy world out there! Don’t worry, though, I’m pretty egalitarian. I will encourage my celebrity partners to bring their current partners along to our giant, sexy commune! Matter of fact, already-married celebrities get Bonus Points in this game. Just like already-married people get bonus points in my actual dating life.
So here are my Top Ten Sexy Famous People To Add To My Commune, In Alphabetical Order Because We Aren’t Hierarchical Like That, Okay?:
1. Nick Cave
Me and Nick Cave share a birthday, which means we would have particularly epic Birthday Sex. His first band was called the Birthday Party, which I’m pretty sure was a message to me about how he loves me. And now he writes songs about Jesus and sex, which everyone knows is the best way to my heart. Plus he has a super-sexy baritone voice, which research now tells me means a low sperm count, which means we’re less likely to get pregnant! I dressed up as Nick Cave for Hallowe’en this year. I totally got laid that night. What I am trying to say is that Nick Cave and I are already sexually intertwined. We should make it official.
Current Marital Status: Married to super-hot model Susie Bick; they have twin sons named Arthur and Earl. They definitely make the cut.
2. Daniel Craig
I saw the Girl With the Dragon Tattoo on Christmas Day. It was really good, and it was especially great because Daniel Craig took off his clothes on multiple occasions. I don’t want to spoil too much for you, but I felt a little guilty about how much I wanted Daniel Craig to take his clothes off at the end of the movie. There was also this scene where Daniel Craig says something like, “What does a 23 year old want with an old man like me?” And it was only because I was seeing this movie with my dad that I didn’t scream, “Shut up, Daniel Craig, you’re so hot” at the screen. He’s in this marriage for eye candy and a sexy accent. Not much else needed.
Current Marital Status: Married to actress Rachel Weisz. I might let her have conjugal visits, but she’s not living with us. Being in The Mummy has consequences.
3. Zooey Deschanel
Yes, like everyone who is attracted to women, and probably quite a few people who didn’t think they were, I am way into Zooey Deschanel. But was anyone else as depressed as I was when she and Ben Gibbard announced their divorce? I wanted to marry both of them! They had the cutest Twitter interactions, I could only imagine how fantastic their co-shower harmonizing must have been. And now she is alone! Making videos with her pal Joseph Gordon-Levitt, sure, and in a successful tv show, but going home to a cold, empty bed. I can fix that for her. I and my harem of celebrities.
Current Marital Status: Recently divorced. If we can convince the Gibbstack to come back, he’s welcome any time.
4. Tim Howard
Interested in soccer now? Timmy Howard is the U.S. National Team’s goalkeeper, and plays for Everton when he wants to make money and/or win. Based on this ESPN photo shoot, he also plays in a nude league I would like more information about. Not only is he a super-sexypants — well, sexy-no-pants — no, he is also a Sweetheart. He scored a goal last week, by kicking the ball from his goal all the way into the other one, and reacted not by gloating, as I would have done, but by feeling sorry for the other keeper! And Everton didn’t even win the game! Timmy Howard: you’ve obviously got the empathy to excel at polyamory. Get in here!
Current Marital Status: Married to some lady named Laura. I don’t approve of her.
5. Jude Law
Jude Law will forever be Bosie (his character in Wilde) in my heart. Which should disqualify him from marriage material, but sometimes I like a challenge! Besides, Bosie was pretty damn loyal, just couldn’t manage monogamy. And we’re not demanding that from him at all, just that he be around and make sexy pouty faces and talk in that fantastic accent. I won’t even try to ask him to take care of me when I’m sick, unless I really want to see a temper tantrum, which I might.
Current Marital Status: He seems to be broken up with Sienna Miller? No one can really tell what’s going on. Once he and maybe-Sienna but maybe someone else got married in a tribal ceremony in some Asian country that I’m sure was not weird cultural appropriation at all. Anyway, after they did this, their marriage wasn’t yet legal in the U.K., and so I really wanted to take advantage of that window to legally marry Jude Law and be a bigamist with him without breaking any laws. But I guess he didn’t really marry that lady anyway. No matter what, Bosie-Jude can join this commune with whatever lovers he’d like to bring, for however short a time.
6. Lee Pace
Yea, yea, you all love Pushing Daisies, hush. That’s not what I’m here to talk about. I’m here to talk about a little film called The Fall. In The Fall, Lee Pace plays an injured stuntman who tells fantastic stories to a little girl so she’ll steal morphine for him. And in the story he’s some kind of swashbuckling masked Spaniard Zorro character, and it’s all kinds of sexy. Plus, it has a really tender tearjerker ending. That is the movie where I really fell in love with Lee Pace. He’s also played transgender in Soldier’s Girl, which someone needs to get available on Netflix Instant so I can finally see it.
Current Marital Status: Single! We won’t count it against him, he’s probably got some baggage from all those years of being told you aren’t allowed to touch your one true love.
7. Dolly Parton
Where to even begin with Dolly? The fact that she’s one of the best songwriters of this century? The fact that she has chosen to look like the trashiest über-femme and doesn’t give a fuck what you think? The fact that she has an entire theme park devoted to her? (I’ve been to Dollywood. TWICE.) When I was a child, the only Christmas album — on cassette because it was the early 90s — I wanted to listen to was Dolly Parton’s. She has always been my hero, and now that I’m all grown up, I want to express my love for her in the best way I know how, by entering into a long-term committed relationship with her. And hoping that she’ll agree to let “Jezebel” be our wedding song.
Current Marital Status: She’s been married to Carl Thomas Dean for 46 years! That’s inspiring in and of itself.
Specifically that moment in “She Wolf” where she goes “awoooo.” I’m not sure if you can marry a single vocalization in a single song, but I’m going to try. Because I am head-over-heels in love with the way she delivers that “awooo.” It doesn’t sound wolf-like at all, or even particularly sultry. It’s almost… childlike? Not to sound like some creepy perv who’s into children, ’cause I’m not, but Shakira’s “She Wolf” “awooo” has a sweet innocence to it that utterly charms me.
Current Marital Status: Dating Barcelona defender Gerald Pique, who probably belongs on this list on his own, except that then I’d have to add most of the rest of Barca’s team, so instead I’ll just assume that Shakira can bring that whole locker room with her.
9. George Bernard Shaw
You always gotta have one dead person on the list. Not because I’m a necrophiliac, ewwww, but because as long as we’re fantasizing we have to assume we can time travel and go back and grab someone from the Past. And I pick Bernard Shaw. I own every one of his plays. Many of them twice! Yes, my love goes far deeper than My Fair Lady, and my love for that starts out pretty deep. Bernard knows how to write real romance, and how to write strong female characters, and how to write prologues longer than the play itself and full of irrelevant political rants. Plus he was friends with Bosie!
Current Marital Status: Well, you know, dead. But! When he was alive, his love life is great. You see, he married this lady Charlotte. But she insisted that they never have sex. So he just had a bunch of affairs with married women! He will fit right in.
10. Shelley Winters
I lied. Two dead people.
But Shelley Winters. The lady who taught Marilyn Monroe how to make sexy faces for the camera. The lady who refused to give up her Hollywood career when her bombshell days were over and, thus, started her real career after they told her she wasn’t sexy anymore. Of course, she was still sexy. She will always be sexy.
Current Marital Status: Again, whoops, dead. In life, she was married four times, the final one just hours before she died! She wore her first husband, Captain Mack’s, wedding ring until the day she died. I recommend that she bring all four husbands with her.
So, there you have it, the sprawling sexy celebrity marriage compound that is only the natural consequence of letting celebrities get married. According to Santorum logic. Which will never fail.