by: David Chastity and Dear Prude
Generally speaking, monosexuals–also known as people who are homo or heterosexual–say some ridiculous shit when they find out that someone is interested in more than one gender. I’m talking bisexuals, pansexuals, the works. No matter how non-monosexuals choose to label themselves (if they label themselves at all), they automatically become a lightning rod for the most ridiculous things that monosexuals love to ask. Mind you, this come from all types of monosexuals because queers are not exempt from misconceptions about non-monosexuals.
For today, I’ve picked ten of the most common questions, including some of the most outlandish and sat down with my good friend David Chastity to discuss them.
1. “Eventually you’ll pick one or the other.” (See also: “Just pick a side of the fence already!”)
Prude: Maybe I don’t want to pick. Seriously, has the thought ever occurred to you that as a non-monosexual woman, I’ve basically got the biggest pool of applicants of anyone? Honestly, in addition to the potential heterosexual men and all the potential queers who like vagina who could potentially go for me, there’s also those lovely heteroflexible ladies in college y’all love to hold up as examples when you tell me my sexuality is a phase. I think you’re jealous, and I’ll just keep you that way.
David: Yeah, this assumes I’m going to “settle down” with one person, and that’s gonna be my default orientation at that point. Which I think is Cynthia Nixon’s argument, but my desire can’t be tamed like that.
Prude: So, that makes you the Miley Cyrus of bisexuals, right?
2. “I just don’t understand how you could like that.” (See also: “How does sex work that way?”)
Prude: If you’re that curious, why don’t you just try it?
David: I actually feel kind of sorry for people who can’t figure out how this works. I mean, is your sex life so boring that you only know one thing to do with a penis and/or vagina? The vast majority of boy-on-boy or girl-on-girl sex acts can just as easily be replicated with a boy and a girl.
Prude: Seriously, if you have to ask this question, you need to see a relationship therapist or a sex therapist or something of the sort.
3. “So, you always have one of each? Is that how it works?”
David: I don’t even want this. I like girls differently from how I like boys. It’s complicated.
Prude: I’ve heard of some people who like this, but that’s not how most of us tend to express our non-monosexuality. Plus, asking about “one of each” doesn’t encompass all gender identities for those of us who don’t discriminate based on silly criteria like that. That would also mean that we’d need a lot of free time to constantly be dating. I’d probably have to be in bed all the time for that. So, sorry to disappoint, but I like to have a life.
David: I wouldn’t mind spending my whole life in bed. Where do I sign up?
Prude: OKCupid might be able to arrange that for you.
4. “Could I have a threesome with you and your roommate?”
David: Seriously, how many times do I have to explain this to you guys. It’s not okay. Stop it.
Prude: I’m with David on this one. I don’t tend to do the whole “live with someone and sleep with them” thing, even if it’s with a third person. This is a proposal which I would never ever ever accept, no exceptions. Seriously. So quit asking.
5. “Ah, it’s just a phase.” (See also: “You’ll grow out of it.”)
Prude: For me, the only sexuality “phase” I went through was thinking I was heterosexual. I grew into it, baby. End of story.
David: I spent, like, years in high school wishing I could be a boy so I could be a proper queer. Then I realized that girls are hot, too, and felt better. I knew I was different before I could figure out why.
6. “I have no problem with it, as long as I can watch you make out with girls.”
David: Then come to an orgy I’m at. Although, I seem to spend a lot of my time at orgies giving blowjobs. Whoops. (Actually, finding another bisexual lady who wants to be hooking up with me and some dude is really hard. Usually, I just complete a three.)
Prude: I embrace the idea of a day when people will watch me make out with girls and not make a big fuss about me “flaunting my sexuality.”
7. “Man, you must get laid all the time.”
David: Yeah…Wait, what are we talking about?
Prude: I defer to David on this one. I’m not quite the sex maniac she is.
David: You could get laid all the time if you wanted to.
Prude: So, could our monosexual friends.
8. “Obviously you’re just looking for an excuse to be a slut.”
David: Oh, honey, I don’t NEED an excuse. I was into kissing all the boys long before I realized that girls have nice soft lips that are really good for kissing and sucking and licking. Multiple sets. I’m slutty, and I’m bisexual. They’re not related. (I have read ridiculous science things that say bisexual ladies have higher sex drives and bisexual men have lower ones. The bisexual men I know disprove that theory, and so I’m gonna call bullshit.)
Prude: No one needs an excuse to be a slut. They can be one if they choose to be and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m not looking for excuses to be one, and if someday I decide to be more like David, it won’t be because I’m not monosexual–but rather made more awesome by it.
9. “No, seriously, which one do you prefer?”
Prude: I got this one.
What is the connecting factor between all the people you have dated? Even if you have a type, I’d be willing to bet that there isn’t much other than genitalia that is the same about them. And even if there is, it’s probably lowest common denominator, unless you’ve dated a set of identical twins who have identical personalities. I date who I date, mmkay?
10. “Really? You’re not hot enough to be bisexual!”
David: Fuck you.
Prude: Ditto. Maybe the people I date are of substance or something. Because they seem to find me attractive.
David: They say you’re as hot as the people you date. I’m confident. (I dress way better than they do, though.)
So, there you’ve had it. No more asking us stupid questions or saying stupid shit to us. If you have serious questions, we’re always game for conversation. Just no more of this shit, okay?