by: Nico Lang
1. Apple lovers
Take a drink: When someone refers to “Siri” as a person. Anyone mentions how the latest IPhone upgrade changed their life or someone expresses excitement about the next upgrade. Anyone talks about Steve Jobs as if they personally know him (and an extra drink if someone gets misty-eyed when he is brought up.)
Finish your drink: If someone hums/sings either “1234” or “Vertigo.
Take a drink: When someone says that British radio is so much better than American radio. Anyone mentions how their study abroad trip to London “completely changed their life” or opines that the reason they loved traveling there is that everyone still speaks English. Someone slips into a British accent “on accident” or does a bad impression of a “Cockney accent” (and an extra drink if that person compliments themselves on the quality of their fake accent.)
Finish your drink: If anyone states that they liked Downton Abbey before everyone else did or maintains that they prefer “the original version” of The Office.
Take a drink: When someone chastises someone else for drinking Starbucks. Anyone brings up the Israeli-Palestinian conflict in casual conversation or at the dinner table. A person mentions their time in a collective, commune or co-op.
Finish your drink: If someone passionately argues an opinion they used to make fun of as “too leftist” or “too radical,” opines that they are “too left for the political spectrum” or lists their credentials as a radical.
4. City cyclists
Take a drink: When anyone mentions how great Rickshawing was for their legs, body or attitude on life. Someone brings up Joseph Gordon-Levitt (and an extra if someone else blushes when he is mentioned.) A person recounts the long-distance bike trip that changed their life (and an extra drink for every minute that the story goes on.)
Finish your drink: If that person is you.
5. Old people
Take a drink: When someone refers to 5:00 P.M. as a normal dinner time. Someone refers to a time of rampant sexism and racism as being preferable to the present or refers to Barack Obama in negative racial terms. Anyone mentions a show currently airing on CBS, a Clint Eastwood movie or “that Michael Buble kid.”
Finish your drink: If those around you argue about their favorite character on NCIS.
Take a drink: When people get in a passionate discussion about “consent” (and an extra drink if someone actually says the words “rape culture.”) People bond over their love of Sleater-Kinney, Le Tigre or The Raincoats and/or their weird relationship to the Julia Stiles character in 10 Things I Hate About You. Someone goes on a tirade against Komen or Rick Santorum.
Finish your drink: If someone has memorized one of the “Hell No Rick Santorum” memes and recites it to you. (Finish someone else’s drink: If you also knew it by heart.)
7. Rick Santorum supporters
Take a drink: When someone argues that Santorum is electable, citing that “no one” goes on the internet these days. A woman states how “weirdly attracted” she is to Rick Santorum (and if it’s a gay man, just keep drinking.) Anyone mentions that they also think of themselves as a “truth vigilante.”
Finish your drink (and the drink of everyone around you): If someone unknowingly says either “frothy” or “mixture.”
8. Beer aficionados
Take a drink: When anybody refers to Goose Island as if it were an island in the sea. Anyone passionately argues why people should drink local brands to a room full of people that also drink local brands. Someone takes a jab at Budweiser, Miller Lite, Natural Light or Milwaukee’s Best.
Finish your drink: If you see any of those people drinking PBR.
Take a drink: When someone says something disparaging about Lady Gaga or something nice about Beyonce. Somebody expresses a negative opinion of the concept of gender or sexual binaries (and an extra drink if they use Judith Butler in their argument.) Anyone appropriates drag language, using words and phrases such as: “work it,” “diva” and “realness.”
Finish your drink: If the other people around you get into an argument about Lana Del Rey or about reclaiming hateful speech. You’ll need it.
10. Gay nerds
Take a drink: When someone says the words “Joss” or “Whedon” in any context (and an extra drink if they say “Whedonesque,” “Whedon canon” or “Whedon universe.”) Anyone expresses a desire to bring back Veronica Mars, Alias or Firefly, tries to defend the final seasons of Heroes or starts an argument over the ending of Lost. Someone mentions how the Scream films were the first films they fell in love with or argues the merits of Scream 3.
Finish your drink: If people get into a discussion about how they don’t “get” or “fit in with” mainstream gay culture. (Afterwards, you may join them, if you feel so inclined.)
11. Grad students
Take a drink: When someone says the word “problematic.” A person just happens to leave an important book lying out on their desk where everyone can see it. Anyone mentions Michel Foucault or Jacques Derrida in a class discussion or conversation that has nothing to do with social science or philosophy (and take an extra drink if someone states that they “aren’t that hard” or they “read them for fun.”)
Finish your drink: If someone starts an argument with the professor.
12. Reddit users
Take a drink: When someone says something sexist (and an extra drink if someone says “Tits or GTFO” or if you are in the Atheism subreddit.) Anyone uses the logic that if you don’t like the discussion, you should get out of the thread. A person posts a pornographic picture of an anime character (and an extra drink if that picture might get them thrown into prison if those cartoons were humans.)
Finish your drink: Well, you don’t need to. You’re already dead by this point.
Afterword: If you’re all like “Where does this jerk get off? He doesn’t know me,” I don’t. This post was written with only love and is mostly about the (sometimes ridiculous) conversations I have with my friends and the conversations they have with each other. It is also about my grandparents, who seriously need to start eating later. Basically, I just think we’re all funny people. That is something worth drinking to.
Nico Lang is the Co-Creator and Co-Editor of In Our Words and a graduate student in DePaul University’s Media & Cinema Studies program. Lang is a Change Coordinator for LGBT Change, the Co-Founder of Chicago’s Queer Intercollegiate Alliance and a film critic for HEAVEMedia, where he talks about nerd stuff on a weekly podcast called Pod People. Nico is also a contributor at Thought Catalog and the Huffington Post and has been featured in the Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, the New Gay and on his mother’s refrigerator. Nico is poly, pansexual and genderqueer but really just identifies as whatever David Bowie is. Follow Nico on Twitter @GidgetLang or on the Facebook.