How Could You Not Love Beards?

by: David Chastity

So this study just came out. And it says women prefer men who are clean-shaven. And it makes me cry. Thankfully, the HuffPo did a poll right under their reporting on the study, and that highly non-scientific study has over 60% of people wisely pro-beards. And the ad that I’m seeing on that page is for Gilette Stylers, featuring “Masters of Style,” all of whom have facial hair. So the evidence is already in our favor. But let’s talk about this one some more.

There was a time I thought hair on boys was gross. It was called pre-puberty, and that time during early puberty when growing new hair was still scary. There’s a great place for pictures of males with nary a hair below the eyebrow, and that’s Tiger Beat. Fortunately, I managed to turn 18 and go to Europe, where I saw subway ads featuring sexy ladies with hair on their legs, and then to hippie school, where the only people who shaved their armpits were drag queens. So now that I’m a grown-ass adult, I love me some hair, wherever it chooses to sprout on the bodies of any person I meet.

But this post is about beards. We can deal with stuff below the neck later. What’s so great about beards? Everything. You like cats or dogs or other small animals, right? And part of what makes animals great is that they are fuzzy and you can pet them and it’s a really nice experience. Beards are like that, except on a dude’s face. How cozy is that?

Okay, maybe imagining a small animal pelt on a dude’s face is no good for you. But beards are kind of like proof of virility and masculinity, and we’re all really into traditional gender norms and… shit. Wrong audience. Sorry.

Alright, try this one: beards are like ART. So much so that some intrepid etsy-ers make winter hats that include knit beards, because beards are really cozy in the winter. If beards were not artistic, why would anyone spend any time making fake ones to put on your face whether you can grow one on your own or not? Plus, beards allow for so much self-expression. Creative dudes can shave and coax their face-hair into so many fantastic shapes, and only some of them are creepy! Is there anything else that grows on your body that you can shape into the Brandenburg Gates? I thought not.

Beards are really sexy. They have magic sex-powers that are almost impossible to explain. To help, let me tell you a story about a guy I met on St. Patrick’s Day. I was at a party full of fantastic queer/poly kids, and there was this kid Felix there, and his beard was about two feet long. It was glorious. Everyone at the party envied and coveted Felix’s beard, and especially wanted to touch it. Felix assured us that this is perfectly normal. You see, everywhere Felix goes, people want to experience his beard. At sports bars full of frat boys, super straight dudes come up to Felix and ask to touch his beard. And Felix says “alright, but you have to buy me a drink.” And proceeds to order something super-froofy, so these frat boys have to walk up to the bartender and buy an appletini, a Long Island Iced Tea,  a Cosmo or some such, and bring it back and hand it to another man.  And every single one of these super-straight dudes does this, for the privilege of touching Felix’s beard.

Beards are sexy magic. Later that night, I saw Felix making out with no less than three other people, in a giant pile all sitting in the same chair. Would a four-person-makeout-pile happen with no beards involved? I know I can’t imagine it either.

*The study was done on women in New Zealand. I can only assume these women are not familiar with their native sons Flight of the Conchords, both of whom know how to rock hair on their faces. 

David Chastity is some girl who lives in a city on the East Coast and likes kissing. She also really enjoys doing the Onion A.V. Club crossword puzzle, drinking good beer and finding the secret sexual meanings in popular music. She’s working on her MDiv and convincing Jesus to marry her.

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