by: Nico Lang
Preferred Gender Pronoun: David Bowie.
Interested In: Men, women, gender variant folks, puzzles, Jenga, Guitar Hero, cuddling, puppies, 19th century French poetry, hi-fives, Jon Hamm, finding out Miranda July’s deal is, sweaters with cats on them.
1. When did you stop believing in Santa Claus?
When I was five. My cousins ruined it with their Jehovah’s Witness-ing. They witnessed me right out of believing by spilling the beans and telling me that believing in Santa was dumb. This was the beginning of the end for me.
2. What famous person epitomizes your ideal mate and why?
Anderson Cooper, because he’s just a perfect human man. On top of being smart, funny, charming and incredibly well-informed about everything, he looks like what I imagine the inside of my heart to look. Have you seen the way he wears those sweaters? It’s heavenly.
3. How do you think we can foster world peace?
Boobs. If everyone had their own personal set of boobs, we would never fight about anything ever. We would be too captivated by how awesome they are.
4. What are you long-term goals?
To grow up to be Fran Lebowitz, but nicer.
5. If you had to stay in on a Friday night alone or with someone special, how would you spend it?
Alone: Masturbating and watching Cougar Town. With someone special: Cuddling and watching The West Wing.
6. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
A writer/actor/scientist/lawyer/superhero/president/director/screenwriter/linguist/essayist. I’ve always had lofty ambitions.
7. What turns you on in a sex partner?
Someone who knows my body what it likes and who is willing to just touch me. Sometimes, the simple act of being touched is the most wonderful thing in the world.
8. Did your parents ever catch you having sex or masturbating?
Opposite. It was horrifying.
9. What are the lessons you learned from your most significant relationship?
Don’t let the sex die. Even if you are best friends and everything else is great, no sex has a way of driving people crazy and making them do horrible things. Liz Phair once said that couples can’t be friends and lovers, and I say that she must be very unhappy. (Maybe that’s why your albums suck now, Lizzy.)
10. What’s your ideal first date?
Coffee + a movie + Indian Food + putt-putt + lazer tag + dancing + making out while The Social Network plays in the background. Sure, you might die of exhaustion afterwards, but doesn’t it SOUND awesome?
11. What’s one thing you want to tell the world?
Stop being dicks to each other. Seriously. I don’t care if you somehow justify it being for their own good. Just be upstanding people to other people and life will go so much easier for you. I don’t believe in karma, but I do believe that people have good memories and will like you less if you are a jerk to them.
12. Britney or Christina?
13. What TV show could you spend all day watching?
Gilmore Girls, all day, every day, for the rest of my life. I actually don’t feel like a whole person if I go without watching it for too long. My equilibrium just feels off.
14. How do you see your life when you are older?
I see myself as one of those super-productive old people, like Philip Roth (except for that stuff about whacking off in mausoleums). I picture myself getting up to write novels every day and traveling and playing golf. I hate golf now, but for some reason, old people love it. I’m sure I’ll come around eventually.
15. If you could be famous for only one thing, what would it be?
My Breakfast Pasta. Which is never the same twice because I never bothered writing down an actual recipe for it. One time, my roommate and I threw strawberries in it. It was awesome.
Also, I’d love to be one of those people who just goes by their first name, but unfortunately, that would be confusing for me professionally. Stupid Andy Warhol had to go and ruin that for the rest of us Nicos.
16. What would your superpower be?
Projecting good feelings and happiness. I just want to have the ability to walk up to someone, hold my hands outstretched and say: “BOOM! HAPPY!” I imagine Kristen Bell has this power.
17. What’s the most imaginative way you’ve ever been asked out?
I don’t have anything for this for me, but I once asked someone out on the back of a fortune cookie. He never called me (partially because he was in the closet and partially because he probably just didn’t want to date me), but he did write about it in a story he wrote. Which was good enough for me.
18. At gunpoint, if you had to pick one of the GOP candidates to be our future president, who would it be and why?
Ron Paul, only because he would get absolutely nothing done and be completely ineffective for four years, because his policies could never, ever work in any scenario. That Congress would be at an absolute standstill and nothing would get passed. (And then that means we could finally have Hilary. Plz, America?)
19. What was the first life lesson you ever learned?
That rock does not belong in your nose, nor does that corn in your ear or that rubbing alcohol in your stomach. (I was a very curious child.)
20. What’s the most important thing to you in a relationship?
Having someone who can hang with me, kick it with my friends and keep up with me, someone on my wavelength. It’s important for people to be on the same page in life.
Bonus: Finish the phrase: I could never be with someone who _______________.
Wasn’t in love with life.