by: Timothy Lalowski
Sometimes two people are meant for each other and sometimes they’re not, and sometimes, only one is meant for the other and not the other way around. For some of us, we’re cursed with the blessing of too much love to offer. We’re cursed with the ability to be perfectly happy with someone other than “the one,” because there are so many of fish out there that are just right enough.
Now, maybe I’m crazy, and maybe I’m a little fucked in the head, but never could it be said that I don’t understand Love. I’ve been in Love before. Actually, I’ve been in Love several times, and I’ll continue to be and fall in Love. However, I have never been in Love with. They have all evaded my entrancing glare and my amorous aura. The big fish have always gotten away.
I spoke with one of these fish recently, and in some sudden burst of hope, I expressed my true thoughts to him. I expressed that as I’ve gotten to know him throughout the time we have spent apart but not away, that I have come to realize that my feelings have grown stronger. Regardless of our official relationship status, my feelings have become to reflect how I perceive his character.
However, my hopes were in vain, and he indeed did evade me. He is just another big fish that got away. So here I stand, friend-zoned.
In my past, I’ve dated plenty, and each one has always had a different way to deal with break-ups and rejections. Most common: loathing and avoidance. I’ve never tried it, and I don’t believe I ever will; I’ve just always believed love and compassion were much more fulfilling life choices, but I tend not to experience so much of the latter. Some people live their whole lives acting as if ‘bad’ breakups are the only breakups, and I ask, why?
He got away. I’m not going to marry him. Okay? Move on. I still enjoy his company. I still believe he is a good person. Nothing has made me feel otherwise. I want the best for him, and if that’s not me, okay.
This latter mantra has revolutionized the way I live, the way I date, and the way I love. I have unlocked a capacity for Love that I never thought possible. I feel as if I’m a secret box, kept locked tight and handed to a little girl for safe-keeping, but one day, curiosity got the best of her and she opened that box, and instead of all the evils spewing out into the world, a brilliant glow emerged and Love was born.
Now, I’m not going to lie and fake that it doesn’t hurt to look into his eyes and picture the near perfect life I could have had with him, that I’ve accepted all his flaws, that I long for all his Beauty, because it does hurt. It hurts like a million tiny daggers piercing into my scalp as I try to raise my head to look him in the face. It hurts like a bolder dropped on each of my hands, preventing me from reaching out to feel the warmth of his skin. It hurts like all my vital organs falling from my body as it claims to be dead. It hurts. It hurts, but I still do Love. I am a body of Love.
Timothy Elliot Lalowski is a student at the Illinois Institute of Technology where he studies Architectural Engineering and Civil Engineering with a minor in Architecture. Timothy is a founder of ItGetsMoreGay.tumblr.com, a G focused LGBTQ help blog. Timothy has also recently founded New Velocity, the Illinois Institute of Technology’s Performance Dance Troupe and serves as president and major choreographer. Interested in the Social Progressive Movement, Timothy continues to work towards his goal of founding the Progressive Design and Engineering Movements.