by: Patrick Gill and Nico Lang
Nico on Patrick:
1. Patrick Gill was the person that Frank Ocean was talking about in his coming out letter and the inspiration for the song, “Novacaine,” because Patrick got a stripper booty and a rack like “wow.”
2. Patrick Gill once interned for Judi Dench but had to quit because he found her constant advances degrading, kind of like acting in a Michael Bay movie. (Note: we cannot comment as to whether or not Notes on a Scandal was based on Patrick Gill’s life, but we do know that Patrick has woken up screaming, “You thought this was a love affair!” on multiple occasions. He also takes pills to prevent “sexual nightmares.”)
3. Patrick Gill actually is Peppermint Patti, which confirms my childhood belief that Peppermint Patti was a lesbian.
4. Patrick Gill was the inspiration for the Brawny Paper Towel Man illustration, making him the second-most-sought-after piece of Mommy Porn in the country.
5. Patrick Gill will soon appear in an upcoming episode of Portlandia, in which he and Carrie Brownstein trade bodies during a vegetarian, gluten-free séance. And, yes, he has masturbated to this exact fantasy multiple times.
6. Patrick Gill knows what you’re up to Lady Gaga, and he doesn’t like it.
7. Patrick Gill wants to bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles so we can all eat it and be happy, but he keeps eating all the frosting.
8. Patrick Gill’s sweat is classified as a renewable natural resource by the EPA, and in 1992, the government launched an ill-fated attempt to power cars with it. You may have heard of it: it’s called Ethanol. Now, Gill just claims that his biggest government subsidy is “my anus” and laughs every time he says “anus.”
9. Patrick Gill was Nicki Minaj in a past life, and no, his booty wasn’t real then, either.
10. Patrick Gill hasn’t actually read any of the books he owns; he just stares them down until that author isn’t relevant anymore. Take that, John Updike.
11. Patrick Gill and Dominick Mayer are actually conjoined twins who lead separate lives—like CatDog or Oprah and Gayle—and when Patrick Gill sweats, Dominick Mayer cries. Both of these things always happen when they watch Elizabethtown together.
12. Patrick Gill has never met a paella he didn’t agree with.
13. Patrick Gill learned his patented “primate fear smile” from Jane Goodall, which is offensive because her face just looks like that. She can’t help it, Patrick!
14. Seth Rogen stole Patrick Gill’s life, like an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie.
15. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? Patrick Gill has no idea, because he doesn’t have the time for that. He just eats the damn thing whole, stick included. (Which, yes, is what Ze said.)
16. Patrick Gill is the alterna-universe version of Zooey Deschanel, a world in which Zooey still does quirky things like make pants into bags but farts way more often. Gill has never worn a thong and proves that the best kind of Gill is a Patrick Gill.
17. Patrick Gill once stayed at home on a Friday night to watch Xena: Warrior Princess on a date, because Patrick Gill thinks he is dating Lucy Lawless. Please, don’t tell him he isn’t. It might break his heart.
18. If life were the Golden Girls, Patrick Gill thinks he would be Rose, but he would really be all of them. Because this is what the inside of his head is like. It’s a lot like the movie Sybil, except with less Sally Field bangs and even more use of the color purple.
19. Patrick Gill doesn’t wear plaid. Patrick Gill is plaid.
20. Patrick Gill wants to sleep with Yelawolf and Flo Rida. Unfortunately, this is not a joke.
Patrick Gill on Nico Lang
1. Nico Lang was not born, Nico arose from the Ohio river when Woody Allen threw into said river a copy of Baudelaire’s Flowers of Evil after setting it on fire. A forlorn woman was also singing The Velvet Underground on the shore.
2. Nico Lang taught Amy Adams her signature weepy face, but informed her to only use this power for good. Revenge is being plotted for her overuse of it.
2. Nico Lang was actually on all the teams Nico owns teeball shirts for; Nico is the Max Fisher of their county’s little league.
3. When Kristen Bell weeps, Nico Lang feels it.
4. Nico Lang spends an average of 10 hours on the toilet daily, but has at least 12 back issues of the New Yorker, The Atlantic and Highlights at hand.
5. Nico Lang wrote Mean Girls, but doesn’t blame Tina Fey for taking credit.
6. Box Office Mojo asks Nico Lang for statistics.
7. The dance moves of Nico Lang are actually a rare and deadly fighting technique. The only master of this style of martial arts is Yoko Ono; Nico has been her apprentice since en utero.
8. Anderson Cooper came out of the closet in order to impress Nico Lang. Nico’s only response was a silent head bob of approval.
9. Nico Lang knows what Bill Murray said at the end of Lost in Translation, and while drunk on wine coolers they told me it was “Mumble, Mumble, Mumble, Boobs.”
10. Nico Lang is inhabited by the spirits of both Anne Baxter and Anne Bancroft. Nico is ambition on legs. Nice legs.
11. Nico Lang is deeply hurt by the most recent incarnation of My Little Pony because Nico has been trying to teach the world that friendship is magic for decades. Lang does actually appreciate their message.
12. Mid-coitus, Nico Lang chortles like Kathrine Hepburn, 9 out of 10 sex partners find this even more arousing. 3 out of 10 go along with it and start dirty talking like Spencer Tracy.
13. Nico Lang has written elaborate fan fiction about the following television series: Gilmore Girls, Twin Peaks, Cougar Town, and Dinosaurs. Some are non-sexual, others are.
14. While Neil Degrasse Tyson declassified Pluto, he also quietly instated Nico Lang’s ass as a celestial body, as it has its own gravitational pull.
15. Nico Lang once won a snide-off against Tom Wolfe, but Nico doesn’t talk about it because Lang is actually not as snide as Tom Wolfe.
16. The stylist that Beyonce calls every morning before leaving her apartment is actually a conference call with Tina Knowles, Tina Turner and Nico Lang.
17. Ever the philanthropist, Nico has started a non-profit that makes merkins for self-concious older women. Why do you think Nico always shaves their chest?
18. Nico Lang once spin-kicked Tom Ford for his sport coat. That sport coat is now in a police evidence room.
19. The way Nico Lang eats lasagna is a mix between Garfield the Cat and Sharon Stone devouring souls.
20. Alexander Payne is currently in the process of buying the Nico Lang’s life rights. Nico will be played by Sandra Oh in any future films.
Nico Lang is the Co-Creator and Co-Editor of In Our Words and a graduate student in DePaul University’s Media & Cinema Studies program. Lang is a Change Coordinator for LGBT Change, the Co-Founder of Chicago’s Queer Intercollegiate Alliance and a columnist for HEAVEMedia. At HEAVE, Nico writes a column on film called Found Footage and talks about nerd stuff on a weekly podcast called Pod People. Elsewhere in podcasting, Lang hosts Broad Shoulders, a monthly podcast for Chicago’s Live Lit community. Nico is also a contributor at Thought Catalog and the Huffington Post and has been featured in the Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, LA Times, The New Gay, The Guardian and on their mother’s refrigerator. Follow Nico on Twitter @Nico_Lang or on the Facebook.
Patrick Gill is the Co-Creator of In Our Words, as well as the Co-Founder and Host of the queer reading series All The Writers I Know. He is a poet, essayist, short story writer and occasional performer. Patrick writes the column “B*tch, I’m Miley Cyrus” for HEAVEMedia, is an alumnus of DePaul, has developed LGBTQ-centered anti-bullying curricula for CPS schools and is currently working on LGBTQ friendly children’s books. Patrick is doing so in order to be cute and endearing once again. He is a semi-professional word-hustler and a burrito hunter. His mother thinks everything he is doing is a fun thing to do.
You boys are cray-cray