99 Things You Should Never Say on a First Date

by: Nico Lang

From “99 Problems,” the song that inspired this post.

Note: Many of these you shouldn’t say on any date.

1. “I think I’m in love with you.”

2. “I brought a U-Haul with me.  How’s the closet space in your apartment?”

3. “You know who is really making good music these days?  Nickelback.  I feel like Chad Kroeger just gets me.”

4. “The last movie I saw?  The new Adam Sandler movie.  Because you know what’s funny?  Hitting people in the face.”

5. “Yeah, my boyfriend and I just broke up yesterday.  No, I’m okay, I swear.”

6. “I deactivated my OKCupid account for you.  I just feel like this is it.”

7. “Who are you texting?  What is their name?  Are they hotter than I am?”

8. “Oh, I just assumed you’d pay.”

9. “Eat off your plate without asking?  Don’t mind if I do!”

10. “I think you and my mom would really get along.  What are you doing Sunday?”

11. “Well, I’ve never been in a relationship before, because I don’t think I believe in love.”

12. “Sorry that picture of me was from ten years ago.  I swear I don’t have a more recent photo.”

13. “Him over there…don’t you think he’s hot? Let’s see if we can have a threesome with him.”

14. “OMG, this should be our song!”

15. “There’s something really sexy about Scrooge McDuck.”

16. “I don’t think women are funny.  Especially lesbians.”

17. “My Dad is my best friend.  I’m looking for a partner that’s just like him.”

18. “Michele Bachmann is going to make a great president someday. “

19. “Let me tell you the funniest period story.”

20. “I bet you’re a dirty pig, aren’t you?”

21. (total silence)

22. “You know, I don’t think I’m really over my ex.”

23. “I’m only looking for someone who can financially support me.”

24. “Oh my God, I hate all my exes.  I am now going to list every single bad thing they ever did wrong, starting with Ricky Richardson in first grade.”

25. “What I said wasn’t racist.  I swear I’m not racist.  I voted for Obama.  We live in a post-racial society.”

26. “You should probably know that I have a jealous ex who is into Krav Maga?…What’s Krav Maga?  Oh, nothing.  Just Israeli Street Fighting.  He tried to rip out someone’s balls once.  No big deal.”

27. “For me, Twilight represents the ideal relationship.  I’m really looking for someone to be the Edward Cullen in my life.”

28. “LOL.”

29. “Wait, that’s your sister?  I know her.  She’s totally hot.  I think I might have hooked up with her once when I was drunk.”

30. “So, how many kids do you want?”

31. “When we move in together…”

32. “A woman’s place is in the home.”

33. “No, I’m not on Facebook right now.”

34. “I cheated on my last girlfriend with her best friend.”

35. “No, we don’t have to leave a tip.  I’m sure the waiter made a lot of money tonight.”

36. “People say I’m conceited, but I just love myself.”

37. “Do you want to see a picture of my dog?  He’s like my baby.”

38. “Don’t mind my appearance.  I forgot to shower and put on clean clothing because I’m totally high right now.”

39. “I get really turned on when people sneeze.”

40. “No, I wasn’t masturbating in the bathroom just now. (pause) That’s just…absurd.”

41. “Skrillex is such a poet.”

42. “Who’s Martin Scorsese?”

43. “Hey, wanna hear a funny rape joke?”

44. “I just want to fall in love with someone, right now.”

45. “I think I just came up with our couple nickname.”

46. “Helvetica is too mainstream.  I prefer Symbols.”

47. “You know what movie I feel like really got ‘it?’  The Blind Side.”

48. “I feel like you’d be way cuter if you just…”

49. “This date is boring.  Can’t we just skip to the sex?”

50. “I think the Jersey Shore look is really sexy.”

51. “My friends say I spend too much time fantasizing about ‘The One,’ but I don’t think that’s even possible.”

52. “I don’t own a television.”

53. “I’m Team Cruise in the TomKat divorce.”

54. “My Dad is in the CIA.”

55. “I have a bad habit of changing for every person I date.”

56.“This is a key to my apartment.”

57. “My exes say that I was too high-maintenance, but I think it’s just that they didn’t love me enough.”

58. “I’ve never dated someone less attractive than I am before.”

59. “My friends say I’m too clingy, but I just like to throw all of myself in a relationship.”

60. “Why would I move out of my parents’ house?  I love it there!”

61. “If I don’t married in the next year, I think I might die.”

62. “Do you want to read 50 Shades of Grey together?”

63. “I just got out of the hospital, because I tried to stab someone in a bar fight.  Don’t worry.  I only broke my hand.”

64. “I’m really into Hitler.”

65. “How much money do you make?  I can’t date someone who makes under $50,000 a year.”

66. “This is going to make a great story for our grandchildren someday.”

67. “Ugh, I always end up dating girls like you.”

68. “Sorry, I just got a message on Grindr.”

69. “Whatever, that waiter was being rude to ME.”

70. “I want to be one of the Real Housewives when I grow up.”

71. “Have you ever considered plastic surgery?”

72. “My last girlfriend disappeared.  Nobody knows what happened to her.”

73. “I feel like the media was too hard on Jerry Sandusky.”

74. “I only date girls with large breasts.”

75. “I never was the same again after I was bitten by that werewolf.”

76. “Would you mind if I live blogged this?”

77. “Having a job is overrated.  I’ll just hit the lottery instead.”

78. “I met the coolest guy on Ashley Madison.”

79. “Do you want to hear about my wacky health problems?  I have a psoriasis story that’s so disgusting you just have to hear it.”

80. “Oh, crap.  I forgot to tell you that I already have a girlfriend.  Don’t worry.  She doesn’t have to know.”

81. “I think Mel Gibson had a real point about the Jews.”

82. “What are you thinking about?”

83. “That’s a picture of your father?  Yikes.  I can see where you get your hairline now.”

84. “I hate it when gays flaunt their sexuality in public.”

85. “I feel like no understands me.”

86. “I could never date a girl who wouldn’t take my last name.”

87. “Do you want to watch me play Dungeons and Dragons some time?”

88. “I’m sorry.  I just need to take this call for one second.  I swear.”

89. “I don’t even know what feminists are complaining about.”

90. “Let’s open a joint bank account.”

91. “I have an extra ticket to the Insane Clown Posse concert this weekend.  Wanna come?”

92. “I have the weirdest food allergies.”

93. “Would you like to come home and meet my cat?”

94. “If she didn’t want guys to harass her, she wouldn’t dress like that.”

95. “Wow, you’re kind of a slut.  How many guys have you slept with?”

96. “Let’s go tattoo each others’ names on our bodies.  C’mon, it’ll be fun.”

97. “I’m going to update my relationship status on Facebook when I get home.”

98. “What are you doing for the rest of your life?”

99. “I’ll be right back.  I have to take the biggest shit.”

Nico Lang is the Co-Creator and Co-Editor of In Our Words and a graduate student in DePaul University’s Media & Cinema Studies program. Lang is a Change Coordinator for LGBT Change, the Co-Founder of Chicago’s Queer Intercollegiate Alliance and a columnist for HEAVEMedia. At HEAVE, Nico writes a column on film called Found Footage and talks about nerd stuff on a weekly podcast called Pod People. Elsewhere in podcasting, Lang hosts Broad Shoulders, a monthly podcast for Chicago’s Live Lit community. Nico is also a contributor at Thought Catalog and the Huffington Post and has been featured in the Washington PostChicago TribuneLA Times, The New Gay, The Guardian and on their mother’s refrigerator. Follow Nico on Twitter @Nico_Lang or on the Facebook.

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