by: Mark Nott
1. Go on a walking tour of your sexual landmarks.
That’s right. Instead of staying at home and laying in bed, get out and go for a walk in which you revisit the neighborhoods of the guys you previously slept with. See that giant steel giraffe? I slept with a guy who lives right above it! Oh! Oh! Down that alley and to the left. I slept with a guy who lived down there. I don’t know what the front of the place looks like because he made me come and go through the alley. Yeah, that was a little strange. (It is advisable that you take a friend on this tour. It’s not really so much fun to take a tour of places you know you’ve already been. That’s just sad. And we’re trying to avoid that right now.)
2. Bake a cake.
Remember that cake recipe that you saw the other day? You know the one: three tiers of moist chocolate cake delicately covered in ganache? Bake that one. And you know, now seems like a good time to practice with fondant. Start out slow by putting a layer of fondant over the ganache. Once you’ve mastered that, start practicing making landscapes. Little trees and bushes. Then move on to animals and finally to making people. Once you’ve mastered this skill (which you can in a few hours because he isn’t going to call you or text you to make plans) you can mold a scene from your favorite movie or book to decorate your cake with. Probably Miss Havisham in her bedroom. That seems appropriate.
3. Paint something.
It doesn’t matter if you can’t paint, just buy some canvas and some acrylic and go to town. Remember that time in middle school when the crazy substitute made you listen to Gustav Holst’s “The Planets” and paint whatever you felt as you listened to the music? Do that. Position your canvas and paint directly in front of your sound system. Choose your favorite recording of Wagner’s “Götterdämmerung”, (I would suggest the 1964 DECCA recording with Georg Solti and the Weiner Philharmonic because any recording conducted by a guy nicknamed “the screaming skull” is going to be appropriate) queue up the immolation scene and paint whatever you feel. Most likely what you’re feeling is in broad, violent, bold red strokes. Just a guess.
4. Go shopping.
You’ve never bought anything at the Burberry store? You’ve just held it in your hands and marveled at its beauty. Well, it’s time to change that. The Heritage Wool Duffle Coat? It’s yours. Yes, it’s $2,000. And yes, it’s still the middle of August; but, you need it and it needs you. Also, remember to pick up that Striped Silk Tie for $195, that $250 Tailor Fit Cotton Shirt, a pair of the those fabulous Skinny Fit Velvet (yes, I just said velvet) Trousers, and one those delightfully tasteful umbrellas. Yes, you’ve spent over 6 months’ rent, but my god you look amazing. No one will never not say they like you back when you’re wearing that… which is a good thing because you’ll never be able to afford anything else ever again.
5. Get a dog.
Insure that you’ll never be sitting home alone again… by getting a dog. Not just any dog. Start with a puppy. Puppies need a lot of attention and that’s good. Ever since your phone stopped buzzing and ringing, you’ve suddenly found yourself with a lot of attention to give. Make sure you buy lots of puppy accessories too: shoes, sweaters, little bells, bows, designer food dishes by Jonathan Adler. Does Jonathan Adler make pet bedding? You should definitely look into that. Don’t be afraid to splurge. The more you spend, the more loved your puppy will feel. And let’s face it, this is going to be your life now; might as well make the most of it.
6. Go to the Opera.
Nothing says, “I’m dealing with my emotions with dignity and class” like going to the Opera. If you want to have a really good time, make sure to buy the seat next to you and bring a coat to drape over the seat. This way, it doesn’t look like you’ve gone to the Opera alone. The people around you will just assume that you have a boyfriend who is seriously disinterested in Opera and whom you’ve had to drag here under the promise of withholding sex. They’ll probably respect your more and even strike up conversation. Just make sure not to take any lessons away from it. Throwing yourself off a building, lighting yourself on fire, stabbing yourself with your hair picks, dancing yourself to death, or killing your lover and then singing yourself into a mad, blood covered frenzy are things that we DO NOT want to do. No one likes a drama queen.
7. Have a slumber party.
Invite over some of your closest friends to have a night in, filled with trashy romantic comedies, junk food, face masks and lots of laughter. Or, if you’re like me and all your friends are intellectual depressives, get some Chambord, sit in a circle, listen to Lana Del Rey, and talk about the disintegration of modern society and how social media has ruined dating forever. Cap the night off with your favorite Bergman movie and you’re just having the best of all possible “cheer me up” parties.
8. Try a new restaurant.
You know that fancy new French Restaurant down the street that you wanted to take him to? Well, fuck him. You’re going without him. That’s right, you’re going to treat yourself to a fancy “you deserve it!” dinner. Make a reservation for a table, around 8 p.m., get all dressed up, and head down to the restaurant for an evening of culinary bliss. Make sure you take that coat, the same one you took to the Opera, because you really don’t want people to know you’re alone. In actuality, you’re probably going to have to pay the waiting staff to allow you to come in before the restaurant opens and leave the coat on the seat. No one will see you laying the coat down that way. And though you’ll have to pay to reserve the table for the whole evening, the food is really going to be worth it. As is the validation from everyone around you when they find out that your husband is outside on an important call to Germany. As for the wait staff knowing your little secret. Well, just tip them well.
9. Have a night out at the club.
Put on your dancing shoes; it’s time to shake what some people tell you god gave you. Make sure you slut it up nice and good. Forgo underwear. Wear some real tight pants. That tiny little t-shirt. Those plaid shoes. Make sure your hair is aerodynamically styled. God, you look adorable. Time to go. Make sure to pick a club that is low lit and very loud. You’re not here for conversation. You’re here to dance to the 17 different remixes of Kylie’s “Timebomb” that one of the gay music world’s top DJs has seamlessly blended together. See that overly muscular guy in the corner? He likes you. Go for it. Oh wait. He doesn’t like you. He was staring at you because he’s high. Fuck.
10. Have a Kiki.
After your failed attempt to have fun at the club, your confusion of the methed out guy staring you down, and the fact that dancing with yourself in the mirror for 3 hours isn’t making you feel better, it’s time to go do something else. It’s time for a Kiki. Call your friend. Tell him your coming over. Lock the door, lower the blinds. Do we even have a smoke machine? Why don’t we have a smoke machine? God dammit this isn’t going to work without a smoke machine. Dry ice? Okay, dry ice but just make sure no one puts their hands in it. Make sure you have plenty of tea and just desserts. I’m really in the mood for some just desserts.
Mark Nott is the Community Relations Intern for In Our Words. He is also a career undergraduate student. After a brief spell studying Music Theory at the University of Cincinnati, he went on to study Music and Philosophy with the Jesuits of Loyola University of Chicago. After spending a quarter at Truman, he is an incoming transfer student at DePaul University, where he plans to study Philosophy, History, and Economics and participate in the Pre-Law program. Fret not for his artistic side: every now and again he’ll sing a few bars from Matthäus-Passionand wack you with his conducting baton.