by: Fred Morrow

If you’re like me and aren’t exactly a skinny twink who only eats lettuce and vegan meat, you’ve probably been feeling crushed by recent fashion trends. And if you’re like me, you’re ready for a change toward comfortability.

It’s time!

Men, the time has come to admit our clothes have become too tight, our pants especially. Our jeans are now ball-crushingly tight and only looking to get tighter, squeezing our testes to the bursting point. Certainly, within the next year or two, just to stay on the dull side of cool, we’ll have to wear denim that has no more than a 5-inch rise.

This will most probably cut off all circulation that’s happening with regard to our dicks. Of course, you might be thinking, one convenience of being gay is that it’s okay if you lose circulation in your penis, thus compromising your ability to have babies the usual, lame, straight way, because you’ll just adopt! Fashion is what matters.

Fellas, it doesn’t have to be this way! You shouldn’t have to cut off the blood flow in your penis just to be cool! You should still be able to have babies the usual, lame, straight way.

It’s time for us to rebel against the omnipresence of skinny jeans and explore some alternatives to such testes-bursting denim!

Here are some possibilities:

Juicy Couture sweatpants, particularly the ones that have words written across the ass – I know, I know, you’re thinking. Isn’t Juicy Couture the domain of that annoying chick from freshman year, suburban soccer moms who live in McMansion’s, and other losers from the early 2000s? Technically, yes. That’s why we need to work together and bring back Juicy Couture. Just like how East Side hipsters resurrected Hush Puppies in the 1990s, we need to bring Juicy Couture back to the forefront of comfortwear that can be worn out of the house. That weird fabric, its saturated colors, fuzziness, and sheen, those fun words on the ass … Juicy pants just look so comfortable!

I’m thinking we need to hire a gay-ish celebrity, somebody like David Beckham, as the Juicy-For-Men spokesperson and model. The tag line on the billboard could be: “Men, let’s make it Juicy.” What legit gay wouldn’t buy Juicy pants after seeing David Beckham on a billboard with such a slogan? Yummers!

Kilts – In an effort to both overcome gender binaries and air out our balls, we men should start wearing skirts. I realize this is a radical notion, which is why we need a practical approach. We need kilts for the 21^st century. They’d be rugged affairs, in masculine patterns like thick plaid and tattersal. The kilt could be just the kind of garment we need in times like these. Kilts are anti-gender binary, assert a kind of Scotlandish outdoorsy-ness, and might be worn ironically. I’m thinking L.L. Bean should hire Alexander McQueen’s ghost for the runway line.

Sweat pants – It’s time to commit the greatest fashion faux pas of all time. I wouldn’t advocate this, believe me, if the situation with skinny jeans wasn’t so severe. We need to raid a heterosexual Buffalo Bill fan’s dresser and steal his sweat pants, yes, the ones with the drawstrings and ketchup stains. Because honestly, what could be more comfortable than having drawstrings? Drawstrings are like saying here’s a belt, but only if want one. Otherwise don’t bother.

I mean, drawstrings are great. If, for instance, in the a.m., you knot that drawstring so the sweatpants fit, but then after a bountiful lunch (eating the ashes of a Chick-fil-A that’s been firebombed by your friends), you’re like uggh, these sweatpants are too tight, just unknot the drawstrings! Problem solved. Relaxation nation.

No pants – I’m not advocating public nudity here. But if I was I’d encourage you to go pant-less. Not every day, no. Just some days. Because listen. We’ve all had those mornings. You wake up. You slog through your shower. You think about brushing your teeth then don’t and feel guilty about it. And finally, after lying in bed feeling guilty for like 10 minutes about not brushing your teeth, you finally get up and have to get dressed for work. And you think, PANTS? We’ve all had those mornings where you wake up and are immediately oppressed by the notion of pants. So, you know, I think we should have some pant-less days, where no one will criticize you if you don’t wear pants. For me these are called Sundays.

Dudes, fellas, fellow gays, and folks who frequently firebomb Chick-fil-As, it’s time for us to fight back. We must buck the fashion trend, save our squeezed-to-death undercarriages, and reject skinny jeans forever!

And when I see you on the street, whoever you are, wearing Juicy Couture or a kilt or sweat pants or no pants, I’ll give you a high five because we are brothers.