Learning to Speak Darthraki:How to Cope With GOTOS

By: Emily Shine and Courtney Rust

Do you find yourself spending hours staring at maps of the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros and wondering how things might have turned out differently for the inhabitants of those lands? Do you consider these people your friends and spend time wondering about the minute details of their lives? Do you research their backgrounds and lineages and construct family trees in your free time? Are you teaching yourself handy phrases from the Darthraki language in case you ever want to refer to your sweetheart as “my sun and stars”? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be suffering from Game of Thrones Obsession Syndrome. This condition has seen a recent increase in severity due to the lack of new episodes of the HBO television series since the spring finale of season two. But have no fear! We’re here to let you know that…there is no cure. None. None at all.

Once you’ve entered the realm of the GoT fandom, the only thing to do is accept that this is now your life. This is the trap that Ms. Minaj was talking about. You beez in it, and there’s no way out. You’re too invested in the lives of these fictional characters that they start to become more real than you are. They suck the lifeforce out of you like Tom Riddle did from Ginny Weasley when she found his diary. …Forgive me, Harry Potter Obsession Syndrome is a whole separate issue and now is not the time to get into it.

You need to know that you’re in too deep here and the only course of action available is to embrace and continue your fanatic ways. And you’re not alone! There is no shame in being invested in fandom, and Game of Thrones is so freaking awesome that we just feel sorry for the people who haven’t yet discovered and immersed themselves in its wonderfulness. We wanted to share with you some of the ways we’ve been attempting to deal with the show being on hiatus, in the hopes that you might see yourself reflected in this list and feel a sense of solidarity. Game of Thrones Coping Mechanisms:

  • deciding to read the 4396 pages of the 5 novels during your summer vacation
  • watching a season of the tv series in one day
  • watching both seasons twice through and devouring the first three novels since discovering it in July
  • constantly humming the theme song because it’s forever stuck in your head, which might be due to the fact that it’s set as your ringtone
  • creating lyrics to the theme song
  • watching fanvids, which include a GoT parody of Maroon 5’s “Payphone” on repeat
  • researching Dire Wolves and making a plan for how you might be able to own one
  • saying hello to the Game of Thrones section in Barnes and Noble every day on your way into work
  • basing your life around avoiding spoilers
  • mourning the loss of characters who die, because like we said, they’ve become your friends
  • making it your mission to spread the good news of Game of Thrones and get other people as committed to it as you are

And our best coping method yet: Creating a reality show about the characters. Our original idea was to create Keeping Up With The Targaryans, but things spiraled and we ended up crafting something we believe to be even more epic. Allow us to present you with an episode of… REAL HOUSEWIVES OF KING’S LANDING

SCENE I – Girl’s Night The Red Keep in King’s Landing Hostess Queen Regeant Cersei of House Lanaster and her guests, the ladies of the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros, have found conversational common ground discussing boy troubles.

Daenerys of House Targaryen: [in sudden alarm] WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS?! Dany runs from the room to search for her beloved baby dragons who seem to have wandered off.

Catelyn Stark of House Tully: Ugh, what does Jorah see in her? It’s obvious that she’s the daughter of the Mad King.

Margaery of House Tyrell: It’s sad she has him so stuck in the friend zone that she can’t see how much he adores her.

Cersei: Sort of like  LittleFinger and you, right Cat? Why don’t you two get together already? Hasn’t enough time passed since your husband’s beheading? You need to get back in the game.

Cat: He’s like a brother to me!

Cersei: So? I don’t see the problem here.

Margaery: And it’s not like you’re actually related. I mean, I proposed a threeway with my husband and brother in order to make him more comfortable consummating our marriage and that wasn’t weird.

Cersei and Margaery are met with alarmed and appalled looks. The silence is broken by Dany bursting into the room with her dragons.

Dany: I found my babies! At the mention of babies, Cat bursts into tears. Cut to the Throne Room for a one-on-one interview with Cersei. She lounges in the Iron Throne, holding a glass of wine

Cersei: Yeah, Cat just burst into this rant about not knowing where her daughters are and wanting to get back to her home in that gods-forsaken Winterfell to see her young sons. Then she switched to questioning Robb’s war strategies and his ability to be King in the North. And apparently he’s sneaking around with some girl when there’s already an arrangement for him to marry this princess! After that she went on and on about how all their problems are because my son, Joffrey, killed her husband and blah, blah, blah, give it a rest already!

Cut to interview with Margaery

Margaery: Why should Cersei just get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under her big feet? I’m just as cute as Cersei, right? I’m just as smart as Cersei. People totally like me just as much as they like Cersei. And when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody because that’s not what Westeros is about! We should totally just STAB CERSEI!

Narrator: Margaery of House Tyrell had cracked.

Return to the party, where Melisandre of House Asshai aka The Red Woman aka the crazy lady who gave birth to a shadow baby assassin is attempting to convince the women to accept the Lord of Light as their god.

Melisandre: …and only the Lord of Light can save us, for the night is dark and full of terrors.

Cersei: Oh puh-lease. You don’t know what terror is. You don’t have Joffrey as a son. [to Margaery] Good luck being that little psychopath’s queen. [drains her fifth glass of wine]

Dany: Children can be so difficult. I know with my dragons—

Cat: [interrupting] For the love of the old gods and the new, Dany, shut up already! THE DRAGONS ARE NOT YOUR CHILDREN.

Dany: How dare you speak to me like that! I am Daenerys Stormborn, first of my name, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi of the Dothraki, and rightful heir to the Iron Throne! [to her dragons] Dracarys!

At her command, the dragons breathe fire, igniting the surrounding tapestries and drapes. A heavily intoxicated Cersei throws wine on the fire in an attempt to extinguish it, and the resulting fireball engulfs the room. The women made it out, scorched but safe, and declined to comment any further on the evening’s festivities

END SCENE

We hope this confessional has helped you accept your own ways of coping with the wait until Game of Thrones returns for season three. As you can see, we aren’t handling it very well. Stay strong, fellow fans. Winter is coming, and we must stick together. Hajas!#

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