by: Dana Norris
Questions taken from the Match.com FAQs page, answers taken from Dana Norris, online dating expert.
How does IM work on Match.com?
- A stranger sends you a message, “Why, hello there.”
- You feel queasy.
- But then, wait – the person messaging you appears to be handsome. You look at his profile. He’s been to Machu Picchu and likes to cuddle. You’re intrigued.
- You message him back, “Hey.”
- He responds, immediately, “I have a picture I’d like to show you…” Is it of him caring for Peruvian children? Holding a puppy?
- You provide him with your private email address.
- The email with the picture attached arrives quickly.
- You open it, heart racing.
- It’s a picture of a penis.
- It’s probably not even his penis.
- You log off of IM.
How do winks work?
You may click on the *wink* icon to *wink* at somebody on Match.com. A *wink* is a way to show someone both that you’re interested in them and that you lack either the confidence or the vocabulary necessary to send them an email.
How can I increase the number of responses I am getting?
Position yourself so you are facing Match.com headquarters. Stretch your arms up to the ceiling while yelling, “Please God let this work!” Or change the body type listed on your profile to “Yougottaseethisass.”
How do I tell someone I’m not interested?
Block them. Block the living hell out of them.
I’m sending emails but I’m not getting any responses. Are my emails being received?
Oh, they’re being received. You’re a real piece of work, you know that?
Why do some profiles appear with a green background?
These people paid money to have their profiles highlighted and are also aliens.
How do I block someone from contacting me?
You can’t. As explained in our Terms & Conditions, a Match.com match is for life.
Who are the people in my “They’re Interested” section and why are they here?
They’re bankers, lawyers, unemployed puppeteers – just people we think that you’d like. They’re here because they’re lonely, bored, looking to start an affair, or hoping that you’re open minded enough to sleep with them on the first internet date yet emotionally stable enough to not repeatedly text them “WHAT HAPPENED???!!!” when you never hear from them again.
What happens if I email someone while my profile is hidden?
She will spend the rest of her life searching for you.
When I receive a match, does that person simultaneously receive me as a match as well?
She receives a warning that the dog days are over.
Why don’t my Daily Matches stick to the criteria in my profile?
Because you’re terrible at picking partners and you clearly don’t know what you want. Sure, you say you want an “educated professional” but what you really mean is an “aloof and vaguely mean art school drop out.” You logged on to us, lady, we didn’t log on to you. Now sit down and date who we tell you to.
Why was my photo rejected?
Because the site has reached its all time quota for pictures that involve sky diving, guitar playing, Cubs jerseys, drunken bar kissy faces, and/or Machu Picchu.
My age is appearing wrong. How do I correct it?
Have a friend paint a portrait of you. Put the portrait in your attic. As your image in the portrait ages your Match.com age will magically go backwards.
Why do I have so many views on my Profile Counter, but fewer people when I click on “Who’s Viewed Me”?
Where can I get dating advice to make my experience on and off of Match.com more successful?
Turn to your friend. Say, “Why aren’t my dates working? Tell me the truth.” Listen to his answer and suppress your urge to argue with him/reject what he’s saying/yell “NO, YOU’RE ABRASIVE.” Thank him for his honest advice. Go home and cry while eating Nilla Wafers. Calm yourself by watching episodes of RuPaul’s Drag Race. Log on Match.com with your new found self-knowledge and give it another whirl.
Dana Norris is the founder and host of Story Club, a monthly show for stories. She has served as the Nonfiction Editor and Managing Editor of TriQuarterly Online. She performs around Chicago with Mortified!, The Kates, Essay Fiesta, Stories at the Store, This Much is True, Beast Women, Waiting for the Bus and Cafe Cabaret. Her stories have been published in Tampa Review, Partner Dance Press, and been featured on Vocalo.org (89.5 FM). Dana received a Bachelors in Creative Writing and Religion and from Wittenberg University and a Masters in Religious Studies from The University of Chicago. She has a Certificate in Creative Nonfiction from the University of Chicago and is currently pursuing her MFA in Creative Nonfiction from Northwestern University.